Saturday, November 15, 2008

Day 7

Not much has changed from Day 3, except that I am now sick. I am still trying to deal with Hubby being gone and it SUCKS! I don't even have the motivation to write..

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Day 3

It has been pretty brutal. I have spend the god part of most days trying not to cry. Aj is doing really good with all of this and I am so thankful for that. I am trying to keep him as busy as possible. I,on the other hand, am struggling. Hubby voice sounds so sad when we talk. I just want him home. I have gone to sleep every night since he left praying the rosary. It helps me so much to fall asleep. It is so very hard to sleep without him. I am trying my best to talk this all one day at a time but I just don't know how. And.. on top of everything, I am pretty sure that I need to have this surgery. I am told it's a major surgery and will be a long recovery. I am fine with the surgery. I can handle it like a champ. It's Hubby being gone that is so very difficult...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Day One?

I am not sure if I can say this is the first day away from Hubby because I saw him this morning. We dropped him off for the start of a long road! I have just wanted to sleep all day long. There are moments where I am just fighting back tears and other moments when I can not stop crying. That has been my entire day. I have no idea how to get through 16 months of this...

Friday, November 7, 2008

Tell him to go away!!

I literally take my Hubby in less than 24 hours. I literally have a reporter in my house right now. This man is taking up an hour of what little time I have left with Hubby. This week has sucked. I am not happy at all. On top of everything with Hubby, I think that I do need surgery and meet with the surgeon on Monday. His nurse said I couldn't wait until the 20th. It had to be Monday. Day 1 of being away from Hubby and I meet with a doctor who will be cutting my open. Could things get better, please? Can this man pleeeease leave my house so that I can have my Hubby back? He must not know that I am counting the hours and it's not fair that he gets one of them!

Friday, October 31, 2008

8 days to go

Well, it has been a great few weeks. I have been able to fully avoid any thoughts of Hubby leaving. Yesterday, I had a doctor appointment in which I learned I may be needing surgery when Hubby is gone, and then went off to Hubby's "Send Off" at his work. Talk about a day! I was okay with it all though yesterday. It all went well. Yesterday was Hubby's last day at work. It was an okay day yesterday.

And then I woke up this morning about 4 a.m. And the tears came almost right away. And I am so sad! Tonight Hubby is gone just for one night. It's just training in our state. But he is being taken away from me for yet another night. And it's not fair! The military will get him enough in the many months to come. Why do they need him tonight and tomorrow too?? I thought I could get through this okay. I thought if I just denied that it was happening enough it would be okay. It's not! The tension in my house is thick enough to slice with a knife. Hubby is not himself. I am not myself. Our son can't stop asking if Hubby can pleeeease stay home. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I am going through in my head all of the possible reasons why Hubby needs to be gone from his family for so very long. Maybe there was going to be a horrible accident in the future that Hubby would have been involved in had he stayed home and not been deployed? Maybe this is just want I needed to realize just how much I love Hubby. Maybe I need this time to become my son's best friend to get him through this? Maybe I need this time to learn to depend on others when I am feeling weak? The list could go on and on.

Tomorrow is a party for Hubby. If I had a choice to go or not, I am not sure what I would choose. I am terrible at good-bye's. I do not know how I can see Hubby saying good-bye to friends, co-workers and family for over a year. I do not know if I am ready to handle the reality of all of this quite yet.

I have been blessed though through all of this. I have my family that I was born into who have been wonderful. I also have my family at work that I have been blessed into. I work in a school and my co-workers, my department that I work in have been just wonderful. I can honestly say that I could not get through all of this without the support and love from my co-workers and friends at work. I feel very much the need to be working through all of this, I need to see my friends at work and know that I have the comfort of my "team" through the coming months.

I am off to try and sleep. The hardest times for me right now are when I am driving to work in the mornings. That is when I fight the tears. I also do terrible at night when I am alone. I can only imagine how the next many months will be. I think I will need to find some thing/some way to help me sleep. I hope this party tomorrow is full of every thing good and I can let go of my sadness for a few hours. Wish me luck...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Count down..

Well, it's Sunday and we just got through one of the last weekends that we will have Hubby home with us. I can see patterns emerging. We are all starting the really feel the date of departure upon us. Aj is just crying at least every day in anticipation of what's to come. Hubby is out buying Aj anything that a 9 year old could want. And me.. being the counselor I am just sitting back trying to analysis is all and at this point I can only ask "why". We all went to the dentist on Friday. Cavities are nothing new to me so when I was told I had three I was not surprised at all. Aj, however, has his first cavity. It breaks my heart. I just don't get it. This kid is going through sooo much right now. Why does he have to have a cavity filled?? Why does he need to go through one more thing? Why, God? Enough is enough!

I have lupus. I have been recently (well, for the past 14 months) having problems with my shoulders and numbness in my arms and hands. I have had many tests done for this and hoping upon hope to have a test or doctor find something fixable. Anything but the lupus progressing to my nerves. On Friday, after meeting with yet another new doctor I was told that the problem is my lupus. Talk about a punch in the stomach. So now, I need to wait for my lupus doctor to tell me my next step. I am guessing medications that are stronger that one I am on now. I am beyond disappointed.

I am starting to study for an exam for my next level of license. This test is a huge test and I feel totally unprepared. My plan is to study for the next 7 months. It will give me something to do when Hubby is gone. I opened the study guide today (4 volumes, literally hundred of pages each volume) and I just closed the book before I started to cry. There is so much that I don't know! I hope that I can focus on studying when Hubby is gone, I am in big trouble for this test if I don't.

Well, off to make dinner. I am off of work tomorrow and need to go get my military ID. Reality is really setting in. I just need to stay strong for Hubby and Aj. I keep thinking of things to help Aj though these times. My latest idea is for Hubby plan one idea a week for Aj and me, such as watch a movie about a surfer, go to a restaurant that starts with a B, ect.. and let Aj pick out of an hat some thing to do each week. I sure hope that I can find some way to comfort Aj when at the same time I am dealing with my own suffering. It's just one day at a time, right?

Monday, October 13, 2008

Here Goes!

I said that I started this blog to document my journey through Hubby's deployment. I said that I wanted to remember what I was feeling and when I was feeling it.... Boy am I feeling tonight! I just have to say that I am truly shocked at people's reactions to Hubby leaving. Last week, I was talking to a neighbor about Hubby being deployed. Her first question to me... (yes, FIRST thing out of her mouth) "What does his first wife think about it?" Hubby does have an ex-wife. Do I give a flying hoot what she has to say about my husband being deployed? Hell No! No concern from this neighbor/friend about my feelings, how I was going to get through the many months to come but wanted to see how his "first wife" felt about the situation. Wow. That was a night full of anger for me.

Aj is a great kid! He has handled everything like a grown up. This kid knows more about unfairness, surprise and adjustment than most men ever have to face in their lives. See, besides Hubby needing to leave Aj and me for 16 months, Aj has been through a lot in his little life. I have been diagnosed with lupus. This week along, I will go through a MRI and meet with a neuro surgeon. This kid could probably describe in great detail the insides of every local hospital. He is trooper. I was told today that we don't get to pick out what we need to go through in our lives and that is very true. However, I just want to yell to God, Enough! This kid has been through enough! Just today I found out that Aj will need a shot next week and I thought to myself, one more thing for Aj to have to deal with. The shot is nothing huge, just one more thing.

Just tonight, I was talking with a friend and telling her my concerns about Hubby leaving. She was telling me that she was once in a long distance relationship so she could understand what I was going to be going through. How dare anyone compare a long distance relationship to being deployed to Afghanistan! I will have NO control over when I am able to talk with my husband. I will not be able to see my husband for any reason until government releases him back home. I can not count on my husband for anything for the next 16 months. I didn't choose to be in this situation. There will be no birthday dinners, valentine dates, anniversary celebrations, hugs, kisses, handholding, gift giving, shoulders to lean on until the deployment is over. Can you please tell me again how you can relate to me because you were in a long distance relationship? I think I missed part of the conversation.

I would love to say that this type of day is unusual, but it's actually pretty darn typical. Everything can be going fine for part of the day and then Wham! I am stuck facing the reality of the roller coaster of emotions in a split second. Today alone, I have felt almost every emotion known to humankind. I think it's now time to go and snuggle up to Aj for a second, read a few minutes of a funny book and lay in bed and wait for Hubby to come home so I can get a few minutes of being in his arms before (hopefully) sleeping soundly before I start this all again tomorrow...

A night away!

Hubby and I currently work different schedules. I work days and he works afternoons. I walk in the door at 3:20 and he literally gives me a kiss and walks out the door. We have very limited time together until he leaves. We were able to plan one night away before he leaves. Yea! So, I am very much looking forward to spending one evening alone with Hubby in a few weeks. We will be spending a night in a hotel and going to a comedy club. We will need a few good laughs that evening because as much as I can't wait for that night, I also can not forget why we are having our night alone. It will be bittersweet, I imagine.

Our little guy, Aj, is having a difficult time the past few days. He isn't sleeping well and is just not himself. He is easily angered and teary. I hate going through this deployment but more that anything I hate seeing Aj suffer through this too... And Hubby hasn't even left. I often find Aj looking at the world map that we have put up on his wall. He just scans the distance from Illinois to Afghanistan. Just heartbreaking!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Down to a month...


First I must say I have no idea what I am doing creating a blog... I have recently been thrown on a new journey for me and I wanted some way to remember my feelings, my thought and I am very much hoping that others in my position can read what I have written and feel that someone else out there understands. I remember when I found out that Hubby would be deployed I ordered about 7 books off of the Internet. I wanted to feel less alone, I wanted to read what others have been through. Really, I was trying to find comfort in any way that I could. I was looking for encouragement in the form of written words from others who have walked down this road.

We found out a few weeks ago that my Hubby is being deployed to Afghanistan on January 9th. It felt as though my world was turned over. Hubby is due to leave for training on November 8th, will be gone until December 23rd when he gets to come home until January 3rd (we think) and they will deploy. He will be gone for about one year....

God and I have always been friends. I very often talk to him when I am having a bad day. There have been many conversations that I have had with God since hearing of Hubby leaving and most consist of WHY?? I have been through so much in my life, WHY? I then take a step back. My son is healthy, my family is full of love and always supportive, though I have health problems, I am fully able to do anything that I need to get done. How dare I question God's plans for my family. How dare I ask God to make my life change because I don't agree with something going on right now. I have very strong faith and I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I can say this now, as I feel very strong and like everything is going okay. But, on those days when I fight back tears all day at work, and the second I hop in my car I can't stop crying it is not so easy to be trusting God with everything.

I am documenting my journey as a wife as a solider. It will be in less than one month that I will be separated from my husband for what will most likely be the longest year of my life. I welcome you to come along on this journey with me. I am writing for you, who ever comes across my blog and for me. I want to be able to look back at all of this is many years and see the good and bad of being separated from Hubby. I want to see how I have changed as a person. I want to be able to know at what point I felt as though I could not take it any more. And, I want to be able to offer Hubby, if he ever so decided, to read my inner thought and feelings while being separated.

I am now living my life according to numbers... How many weekend nights till Hubby leaves? How many days off until Hubby is gone? The big question that I don't dare to ask because the number is too great, How many days until this Hell is over and Hubby is back home? See, it's funny. You think that when someone says they are being deployed for a year and think it's really A YEAR. Truth be told, there are many other things involved in that year deployment. Training for months before the unit is deployed. The deployment, a month away from home after the deployment. So, all in all, it isn't 52 weeks that I am giving my Hubby up for his government sponsored vacation. It is much longer. And when you are counting days.... Every single one counts!