Friday, October 31, 2008

8 days to go

Well, it has been a great few weeks. I have been able to fully avoid any thoughts of Hubby leaving. Yesterday, I had a doctor appointment in which I learned I may be needing surgery when Hubby is gone, and then went off to Hubby's "Send Off" at his work. Talk about a day! I was okay with it all though yesterday. It all went well. Yesterday was Hubby's last day at work. It was an okay day yesterday.

And then I woke up this morning about 4 a.m. And the tears came almost right away. And I am so sad! Tonight Hubby is gone just for one night. It's just training in our state. But he is being taken away from me for yet another night. And it's not fair! The military will get him enough in the many months to come. Why do they need him tonight and tomorrow too?? I thought I could get through this okay. I thought if I just denied that it was happening enough it would be okay. It's not! The tension in my house is thick enough to slice with a knife. Hubby is not himself. I am not myself. Our son can't stop asking if Hubby can pleeeease stay home. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I am going through in my head all of the possible reasons why Hubby needs to be gone from his family for so very long. Maybe there was going to be a horrible accident in the future that Hubby would have been involved in had he stayed home and not been deployed? Maybe this is just want I needed to realize just how much I love Hubby. Maybe I need this time to become my son's best friend to get him through this? Maybe I need this time to learn to depend on others when I am feeling weak? The list could go on and on.

Tomorrow is a party for Hubby. If I had a choice to go or not, I am not sure what I would choose. I am terrible at good-bye's. I do not know how I can see Hubby saying good-bye to friends, co-workers and family for over a year. I do not know if I am ready to handle the reality of all of this quite yet.

I have been blessed though through all of this. I have my family that I was born into who have been wonderful. I also have my family at work that I have been blessed into. I work in a school and my co-workers, my department that I work in have been just wonderful. I can honestly say that I could not get through all of this without the support and love from my co-workers and friends at work. I feel very much the need to be working through all of this, I need to see my friends at work and know that I have the comfort of my "team" through the coming months.

I am off to try and sleep. The hardest times for me right now are when I am driving to work in the mornings. That is when I fight the tears. I also do terrible at night when I am alone. I can only imagine how the next many months will be. I think I will need to find some thing/some way to help me sleep. I hope this party tomorrow is full of every thing good and I can let go of my sadness for a few hours. Wish me luck...

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