Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Day number ... Too many!

Well, soon I will have my last phone conversation with Hubby, in a few hours he will be leaving state side and heading into Afghanistan. As he said to me two nights ago, "Our journey is beginning." To day has been a rough day. I wonder in the end what I will least from this. How will I come out ahead. In my mind, I always look for "lessons" in the hardships that I go through. I have been so blessed in my life. I feel as though it's not even right to call my bumps in the road true "hardships". I was a medical mystery for years and years. I now have a name for the disease that had many doctors stumped. Because of that, I missed many days of school and became isolated and alone during high school. I can understand when the adolescents that I work with tell me, "I have no one to sit with at lunch." I had a wonderful surprise pregnancy, what a blessing that was, for it was my last pregnancy that I will ever be able to have. My best friend was killed in a car accident almost three years ago, her last lesson to me was how to grieve. So what now? I can for once say that I understand first hand what it feels like to not be able to stop the tears. I know that there are days when just thinking that I have a whole day to make it through it too much. I have learned to take it, on the bad days, hour by hour. I say to myself, "Can I get through this hour knowing Hubby is deployed?" And the answer is always, you bet! For this hour I can do just about anything.

So, what will I do with the deployment lessons in the end? Maybe I will be given the opportunity to volunteer working as a social worker with women who are facing what I have gone through being a Army Wife. Maybe I will publish a book with all of my lessons for others to read about (I was always told to dream big.. :)). I really don't know. As I remember months after my friend was buried I thought, What in the Hell did I learn from this?? Then it hit me, I learned how to really truly grieve. I have lost my dear Papa and my loving Gram. They had lived a full life. They were starting to suffer from their bodies failing them. To this day my heart still aches for them. But, it was their time. They are at rest and at peace. My friend, she was just 26 years old. She left behind two children. That was sudden, strong, tragic grief that I felt. She and I were so close, and maybe because of that she was the only one who would have been able to teach me that lesson.

I will go to bed saying my prayers and looking forward to the time when Hubby in back in bed with me. I will be thanking God for all of the wonderful gifts in my life. My family; my mom, my aunt and uncle who have loved me so much and been so supportive through my bump in the road. My son, who hourly brings joy, laughter and love into my life. My work. I go to work every day and feel as though I work with family. My co-workers are so wonderful. Without them this deployment would not have been nearly as do-able for me. My health, and the knowledge and compassion of all of my doctors. I have so much to be thankful for. I will also say extra prayers to get Hubby home, fast and in the same condition that he left. Though I can not be thankful for this deployment, I am looking forward to seeing what lesson it will teach me.

Now, just because I am strong this minute does not mean that this will last any amount of time. Hubby is due to call in the next few hours so that we can say our final good-bye before his deployment. I can only ask for strength in the coming hours and days until I hear that Hubby arrives safely in Afghanistan. Until them, I will continue to count my blessings while I try to be strong through all of this.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Day 70

Well, it has been a long while since I have written here. These past few weeks and months have been filled with every emotion I can think of. I have been Hubby twice, had surgery once and spend countless hours in bed not knowing how to get through these hard time. If I remember correct, the first time Hubby left the first 3 weeks were just brutal, and then it got to be okay. I am not sure if that is because it took that long for me to adjust to this new life or if I was so close to seeing Hubby for Christmas that I had something wonderful to look forward too.

Well, it has been one week today since I have seen Hubby. He was in town for my surgery. It was just wonderful to have him by my side, to have my best friend back with me, to not sleep alone. Hubby leaves in three days for Afg. The past three days have been terrible. I have either spend the days in bed crying to fighting off the tears with my everything. I so much look forward to the moments that I get to talk to Hubby on the phone, I know that very soon our phone talks will come to an end. Hubby thinks that he will get his R&R in July and we are planning to meet in Florida. I am holding on to that with dear life.
I was talking to a good friend yesterday and told her how for a little while I felt so wonderful, I got a gallon on milk and the exp. date was 2/1. To me that meant, I had made it through January with out Hubby and I was that much closer to having him back home with us.
Ahhh.. I had no idea how hard this would be. And, at the same time I feel terrible even thinking that I have any right to be sad/mad. I have everything that I need in my life. Our son is healthy, Hubby will be back, I am married to my lover and best friend, I have a wonderful and supportive family. I have been so blessed by God that I so not have any right to be upset. But then the next hour hits and I just can't stand the loneliness any more.