Here Goes!

I said that I started this blog to document my journey through Hubby's deployment. I said that I wanted to remember what I was feeling and when I was feeling it.... Boy am I feeling tonight! I just have to say that I am truly shocked at people's reactions to Hubby leaving. Last week, I was talking to a neighbor about Hubby being deployed. Her first question to me... (yes, FIRST thing out of her mouth) "What does his first wife think about it?" Hubby does have an ex-wife. Do I give a flying hoot what she has to say about my husband being deployed? Hell No! No concern from this neighbor/friend about my feelings, how I was going to get through the many months to come but wanted to see how his "first wife" felt about the situation. Wow. That was a night full of anger for me.

Aj is a great kid! He has handled everything like a grown up. This kid knows more about unfairness, surprise and adjustment than most men ever have to face in their lives. See, besides Hubby needing to leave Aj and me for 16 months, Aj has been through a lot in his little life. I have been diagnosed with lupus. This week along, I will go through a MRI and meet with a neuro surgeon. This kid could probably describe in great detail the insides of every local hospital. He is trooper. I was told today that we don't get to pick out what we need to go through in our lives and that is very true. However, I just want to yell to God, Enough! This kid has been through enough! Just today I found out that Aj will need a shot next week and I thought to myself, one more thing for Aj to have to deal with. The shot is nothing huge, just one more thing.

Just tonight, I was talking with a friend and telling her my concerns about Hubby leaving. She was telling me that she was once in a long distance relationship so she could understand what I was going to be going through. How dare anyone compare a long distance relationship to being deployed to Afghanistan! I will have NO control over when I am able to talk with my husband. I will not be able to see my husband for any reason until government releases him back home. I can not count on my husband for anything for the next 16 months. I didn't choose to be in this situation. There will be no birthday dinners, valentine dates, anniversary celebrations, hugs, kisses, handholding, gift giving, shoulders to lean on until the deployment is over. Can you please tell me again how you can relate to me because you were in a long distance relationship? I think I missed part of the conversation.

I would love to say that this type of day is unusual, but it's actually pretty darn typical. Everything can be going fine for part of the day and then Wham! I am stuck facing the reality of the roller coaster of emotions in a split second. Today alone, I have felt almost every emotion known to humankind. I think it's now time to go and snuggle up to Aj for a second, read a few minutes of a funny book and lay in bed and wait for Hubby to come home so I can get a few minutes of being in his arms before (hopefully) sleeping soundly before I start this all again tomorrow...