Day number ... Too many!

Well, soon I will have my last phone conversation with Hubby, in a few hours he will be leaving state side and heading into Afghanistan. As he said to me two nights ago, "Our journey is beginning." To day has been a rough day. I wonder in the end what I will least from this. How will I come out ahead. In my mind, I always look for "lessons" in the hardships that I go through. I have been so blessed in my life. I feel as though it's not even right to call my bumps in the road true "hardships". I was a medical mystery for years and years. I now have a name for the disease that had many doctors stumped. Because of that, I missed many days of school and became isolated and alone during high school. I can understand when the adolescents that I work with tell me, "I have no one to sit with at lunch." I had a wonderful surprise pregnancy, what a blessing that was, for it was my last pregnancy that I will ever be able to have. My best friend was killed in a car accident almost three years ago, her last lesson to me was how to grieve. So what now? I can for once say that I understand first hand what it feels like to not be able to stop the tears. I know that there are days when just thinking that I have a whole day to make it through it too much. I have learned to take it, on the bad days, hour by hour. I say to myself, "Can I get through this hour knowing Hubby is deployed?" And the answer is always, you bet! For this hour I can do just about anything.

So, what will I do with the deployment lessons in the end? Maybe I will be given the opportunity to volunteer working as a social worker with women who are facing what I have gone through being a Army Wife. Maybe I will publish a book with all of my lessons for others to read about (I was always told to dream big.. :)). I really don't know. As I remember months after my friend was buried I thought, What in the Hell did I learn from this?? Then it hit me, I learned how to really truly grieve. I have lost my dear Papa and my loving Gram. They had lived a full life. They were starting to suffer from their bodies failing them. To this day my heart still aches for them. But, it was their time. They are at rest and at peace. My friend, she was just 26 years old. She left behind two children. That was sudden, strong, tragic grief that I felt. She and I were so close, and maybe because of that she was the only one who would have been able to teach me that lesson.

I will go to bed saying my prayers and looking forward to the time when Hubby in back in bed with me. I will be thanking God for all of the wonderful gifts in my life. My family; my mom, my aunt and uncle who have loved me so much and been so supportive through my bump in the road. My son, who hourly brings joy, laughter and love into my life. My work. I go to work every day and feel as though I work with family. My co-workers are so wonderful. Without them this deployment would not have been nearly as do-able for me. My health, and the knowledge and compassion of all of my doctors. I have so much to be thankful for. I will also say extra prayers to get Hubby home, fast and in the same condition that he left. Though I can not be thankful for this deployment, I am looking forward to seeing what lesson it will teach me.

Now, just because I am strong this minute does not mean that this will last any amount of time. Hubby is due to call in the next few hours so that we can say our final good-bye before his deployment. I can only ask for strength in the coming hours and days until I hear that Hubby arrives safely in Afghanistan. Until them, I will continue to count my blessings while I try to be strong through all of this.

Day 70

Well, it has been a long while since I have written here. These past few weeks and months have been filled with every emotion I can think of. I have been Hubby twice, had surgery once and spend countless hours in bed not knowing how to get through these hard time. If I remember correct, the first time Hubby left the first 3 weeks were just brutal, and then it got to be okay. I am not sure if that is because it took that long for me to adjust to this new life or if I was so close to seeing Hubby for Christmas that I had something wonderful to look forward too.

Well, it has been one week today since I have seen Hubby. He was in town for my surgery. It was just wonderful to have him by my side, to have my best friend back with me, to not sleep alone. Hubby leaves in three days for Afg. The past three days have been terrible. I have either spend the days in bed crying to fighting off the tears with my everything. I so much look forward to the moments that I get to talk to Hubby on the phone, I know that very soon our phone talks will come to an end. Hubby thinks that he will get his R&R in July and we are planning to meet in Florida. I am holding on to that with dear life.

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and told her how for a little while I felt so wonderful, I got a gallon on milk and the exp. date was 2/1. To me that meant, I had made it through January with out Hubby and I was that much closer to having him back home with us.

Ahhh.. I had no idea how hard this would be. And, at the same time I feel terrible even thinking that I have any right to be sad/mad. I have everything that I need in my life. Our son is healthy, Hubby will be back, I am married to my lover and best friend, I have a wonderful and supportive family. I have been so blessed by God that I so not have any right to be upset. But then the next hour hits and I just can't stand the loneliness any more.

Day 7

Not much has changed from Day 3, except that I am now sick. I am still trying to deal with Hubby being gone and it SUCKS! I don't even have the motivation to write..

Day 3

It has been pretty brutal. I have spend the god part of most days trying not to cry. Aj is doing really good with all of this and I am so thankful for that. I am trying to keep him as busy as possible. I,on the other hand, am struggling. Hubby voice sounds so sad when we talk. I just want him home. I have gone to sleep every night since he left praying the rosary. It helps me so much to fall asleep. It is so very hard to sleep without him. I am trying my best to talk this all one day at a time but I just don't know how. And.. on top of everything, I am pretty sure that I need to have this surgery. I am told it's a major surgery and will be a long recovery. I am fine with the surgery. I can handle it like a champ. It's Hubby being gone that is so very difficult...

Day One?

I am not sure if I can say this is the first day away from Hubby because I saw him this morning. We dropped him off for the start of a long road! I have just wanted to sleep all day long. There are moments where I am just fighting back tears and other moments when I can not stop crying. That has been my entire day. I have no idea how to get through 16 months of this...

Tell him to go away!!

I literally take my Hubby in less than 24 hours. I literally have a reporter in my house right now. This man is taking up an hour of what little time I have left with Hubby. This week has sucked. I am not happy at all. On top of everything with Hubby, I think that I do need surgery and meet with the surgeon on Monday. His nurse said I couldn't wait until the 20th. It had to be Monday. Day 1 of being away from Hubby and I meet with a doctor who will be cutting my open. Could things get better, please? Can this man pleeeease leave my house so that I can have my Hubby back? He must not know that I am counting the hours and it's not fair that he gets one of them!

8 days to go

Well, it has been a great few weeks. I have been able to fully avoid any thoughts of Hubby leaving. Yesterday, I had a doctor appointment in which I learned I may be needing surgery when Hubby is gone, and then went off to Hubby's "Send Off" at his work. Talk about a day! I was okay with it all though yesterday. It all went well. Yesterday was Hubby's last day at work. It was an okay day yesterday.

And then I woke up this morning about 4 a.m. And the tears came almost right away. And I am so sad! Tonight Hubby is gone just for one night. It's just training in our state. But he is being taken away from me for yet another night. And it's not fair! The military will get him enough in the many months to come. Why do they need him tonight and tomorrow too?? I thought I could get through this okay. I thought if I just denied that it was happening enough it would be okay. It's not! The tension in my house is thick enough to slice with a knife. Hubby is not himself. I am not myself. Our son can't stop asking if Hubby can pleeeease stay home. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I am going through in my head all of the possible reasons why Hubby needs to be gone from his family for so very long. Maybe there was going to be a horrible accident in the future that Hubby would have been involved in had he stayed home and not been deployed? Maybe this is just want I needed to realize just how much I love Hubby. Maybe I need this time to become my son's best friend to get him through this? Maybe I need this time to learn to depend on others when I am feeling weak? The list could go on and on.

Tomorrow is a party for Hubby. If I had a choice to go or not, I am not sure what I would choose. I am terrible at good-bye's. I do not know how I can see Hubby saying good-bye to friends, co-workers and family for over a year. I do not know if I am ready to handle the reality of all of this quite yet.

I have been blessed though through all of this. I have my family that I was born into who have been wonderful. I also have my family at work that I have been blessed into. I work in a school and my co-workers, my department that I work in have been just wonderful. I can honestly say that I could not get through all of this without the support and love from my co-workers and friends at work. I feel very much the need to be working through all of this, I need to see my friends at work and know that I have the comfort of my "team" through the coming months.

I am off to try and sleep. The hardest times for me right now are when I am driving to work in the mornings. That is when I fight the tears. I also do terrible at night when I am alone. I can only imagine how the next many months will be. I think I will need to find some thing/some way to help me sleep. I hope this party tomorrow is full of every thing good and I can let go of my sadness for a few hours. Wish me luck...